Before we carry on I am going to clarify that I am neither a Doctor, Psychiatrist nor Counsellor, I have something that sometimes people forget about, experience of everything I am about to discuss and hopefully, you will read and possibly it may benefit some. Who knows, at least you’ll know your not alone and you can get through it.
Well, this is never an easy subject to discuss and in all honesty, it should be we should be able to feel able to discuss anything within our forums and it’s strange that in this day and age of communication and social media we do not communicate constructively instead creating fabrications of what our lives look like to the onlookers, this creates an environment perfect for toxic people to influence you further. So what does that mean to me? What are the signs I should be looking for? More importantly, what do I do about it all?
I happened across a fantastic post Toxic People: 12 Things They Do and How to Deal with Them – Hey Sigmund where the writer Karen Young identifies 12 key characteristics to look out for and how to deal with them, and you know what as I read through them they hit home over past experiences that I have had in personal and work relationships, so now I feel it’s important to share some of my experiences with you however of due to copyright laws we cannot replicate them directly here from the Hey Sigmund website however I can talk about the points from my own experience in life and hopefully that will give you a little appetite to read further.
Ok, So here goes;
Can you guess who I am today?;
- The first thing that I always think back to is wondering who I was going to be waking up next to, was it a good cop or bad cop day I never really knew. That is a scary situation for anyone, you just never know who you’re going to get and this would put me on tenterhooks. I would clean, cook breakfast and prepare their meal for lunch some days the breakfast would be perfect other days it would be tasteless or overcooked, the coffee would have too much sugar, too little sugar, too much milk, too little milk, some days it would be perfect but, all days it was made the same to the point that I would weigh/measure all the ingredients to ensure continuity.
- I would know in the first few seconds of seeing them in the morning what sort of mood they would be in if there was engagement, the slight chance of a smile, whatever it may be anything to give me an indicator but more often than not it was a grunt and a look that told me “oh dear”. I learnt quickly not to engage in discussion to never ask how are you this morning or if there was anything wrong, this would either carry the response of uugh, or a look.
- Always the excuse of “oh it’s ok you know what I’m like before I have my coffee!” rings so true to my ears, and this is what I would say to myself over and over again reaching for excuses as to why they are like this.
Here’s the thing people who carry that toxicity know that decent caring people will go to extreme lengths to make them smile to keep them happy this is the truth and they suck upon the good nature of people like a succubus, draining the goodwill, care and love from the person. So, if you are finding that you can no longer make the person smile maybe you need to stop, leave them to it for a while and re-engage once the mood has lifted, you cannot nor should you be responsible for how other people feel. And in all situations should be able to talk about it.
- Sometimes, well more often than not the toxic individual will manipulate you, constantly looking for that little leverage over you whatever it may be but, always making sure that you have the constant feeling that you owe them something, and then making sure you know about constantly, this gives them the ability to bend any situation into their hands.
- Ever heard the phrase “I did it for you?” yep, that little chestnut, did you do it for me really or are you just trying to control the situation and play guilt upon me? This is truly a battle of power and control, they want you to be subservient to their needs. Have you ever been praised before cooking a meal and then told during the meal “yeah it’s alright’ Or ‘This is bland or disgusting? We often face the put down as the toxic person knows we are at this stage craving their praise or at least for a split second their contentment, If we don’t get it we try again harder next time.
- Or the most used line ever “If you loved me you’d do this …. “
We, me, you don’t owe anything to anyone, we have to remember that because the thought of being indebted to someone keeps us firmly in their grasp. Remember always make sure you have a safe place away from the toxicity of the person to give you time.
Them above all others;
- They constantly have you proving your loyalty to them this is such a common denominator, and the age-old classic is when they do a comparison of themselves against one of your parents, you get ridiculed because you talk to your mum once a month you know like “awwwww little mammas boy you ain’t ya” even though they will see their parents daily. Making you choose from seeing your parents/friends or doing something with them, and woe betide you if you choose seeing anyone else but them. They attempt to disrupt what is your strongest network of supporters your family and friends always telling mistruths about people, do you know how many times I’ve heard this line “your best mate just cracked on to me in the kitchen” yet the friend denies it profusely and the wedge between you starts to grow, in fact, your friend who has been there for 15 years plus has never once or ever looked to ruin your friendship, but for the toxic person they are seen as a hindrance, the toxic person must have you to themselves and to have you mean others that can positively influence you must be removed from the equation. To do that they start to create elements of doubt and mistrust, secluding you and making it easier to cater to their needs.
This is a never-ending and vicious circle that will eliminate you from social networks, sapping your positivity and spark making you subservient but, here’s the thing once they have drained you of your very being you become surplus to requirement, no longer entertaining a bore “that’s your fault, what happened to you” they will say “you used to be fun and full of life” So never lose connections with your long term friends or family over a partner, if they disapprove of someone don’t be too quick to dismiss their concerns listen to them, and remember you always have a choice and nothing is helpless.
Never their Fault and No Apologies;
- Everything is always twisted to be your fault, they will manipulate the situation to sound as though they haven’t ever done anything wrong even though its obvious that they have, however you doubt yourself so much at this point you don’t know fact from fiction and they will tell the story so well they will believe what they are saying is the truth! here’s the crazy thing they are incapable of apologies preferring to lie, twist and or just argue. So you have to ask yourself at this point is it worth arguing, Nah (this also helps them to feel authoritative and in control).
I’m coming to the point now where I don’t know if it’s worth writing anymore so we will see what the SLE Community say, if it’s received well I will most certainly continue to write some more, this is all written from personal experiences through my life and I have tried to be careful regarding the content and maintained a general overall the aim is to simply say guys you are 100% not alone in any of this and you don’t deserve it nor should you settle for it.
Let me know what your thoughts are 🙂
Thanks for taking the time to read this little post guys, and like I said if you want more let me know!
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